Jingle Bop Jazz
by Nuele
Summary: The Bebop crew chases down a a head in guise of a department store Santa, though the mission is far from flawless! (Finally finished... I know it's WAY late, I'm sorry...)
1. Round the Christmas Tree

Spike took a long, slow drag on his cigarette, doing his best to maintain his image. He looked like an utter fool, standing in the line all by himself. In the middle of haggard, tired-eyed parents with small children attached to their legs, he stuck out worse than a sore thumb. He could have at least taken Edward along- but no, that woman had to have her.  
"Could this damned line move any slower?!" he moaned aloud. Several mothers nearby glared angrily at him, but didn't bother to complain. Spike was obviously the type who didn't handle nagging complaints too well. The queue of naggers stretched far behind and ahead of him, zigzagging back and forth between shops and vending carts. They all wanted to see one thing-  
Santa Claus. The big Papa Noel.  
Spike kneaded through his bushy hair in exasperation. "I can't believe I'm doing this..."  
"Excuse me, sir!" A cheerful voice sang out. He pretended to ignore it.  
"Si-ir!" the young woman rang out again.  
He sighed and turned about. "Yeah, what do you-" he eyed her up and down, and hesitated "...want..."  
The teenager was decked out for the season. She wore her crimson red hair in a straight flume that spilled out from under a pointed forest-green cap. An extensive amount of blush made her cheeks obnoxiously red. She wore a green vest with a striped shirt beneath, a short green skirt with white tights, pointed and belled green shoes, and, to top it all off, artificial ear extensions.  
"Please tell me you work here..." he said with a smirk, trying to hold back a chuckle.  
Somehow, she flushed even redder from embarrassment than makeup. "Yes, I do!"  
"Good. Then maybe you can tell me when the hell this line is supposed to start moving."  
The girl lifted her nose, trying to look very proper. "Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to refrain from using such language around children. Also, smoking is not permitted in the mall, save the smoking room located-"  
"Alright already, I'll stop," he interrupted, ashing out his nicotine on a velvet divider.  
The elf shrieked. "Sir! That's private property!"  
He rolled his eyes. "Listen girlie, I don't have a lot of time, so if you could just tell me when this line is gonna go somewhere..."  
This time, she sighed. "I'm sorry, but we're very busy today, and-" she stopped suddenly, looking around. "Hey, where's your kid?"  
Now it was Spike's turn to be embarrassed. "Well, uh..." he looked around for a stray child. "I guess he ran off on me!" he said with a nervous smile.  
The girl gave him a dry look. "Okay... Let us know he you need help 'finding' him..." Then she left, going on to help the next complaining customer.  
Finally, almost an hour later, Spike reached the end of the line. It suddenly struck him that, even with all the time he spent standing there, he didn't know how he was going to approach this guy. You can't just pull out a gun on a mall Santa in front of a bunch of kids. Looked like he'd have to play it by ear, as usual. Calm and casual, he reminded himself. He stuck his hand in his pockets as he approached the man in the red suit. He sat in a big chair, adorned by festive garlands and candy canes. Several teenagers dressed like the red headed girl bustled around him, one with a camera. They all stared at Spike as he made his way over by himself, keeping his eyes on the floor. When he was a few feet from the big Christmas throne, Spike stopped.  
"The big man himself..." he began, holding his gaze fixed downwards.  
Santa groaned. "Look, buddy, I'm a little low on cash and I needed a job. I know it's humiliating, and I don't need guys like you to make it worse for me. So if you don't mind, we've still got a lot of customers to deal with before closing time."  
Spike lifted his head and smiled. "You think that's what this is about? Heh. No, that's not my kind of thing. I'm here to claim that twelve million wulong reward."  
Claus eyed him suspiciously. "What reward?"  
"For your capture, of course." He put a hand in the inside of his suit coat, then withdrew it a little, showing the handle of his pistol. "Now, I don't wanna make a scene, so if you'll just come with me..."  
Suddenly frightened, he stood up, his hands in the air. The elves around him froze- except one. Feeling some idiotic sense of duty to protect the false Father Christmas, a young man dashed into Spike, attempting to knock him off his feet. The bounty hunter hadn't seen him coming, and caught the full force of the impact. He sprawled to the ground, and his Jericho flew from his hand, arcing gracefully through the air before landing in a crowd of people.  
"He's got a gun!" a woman screamed, and chaos began. Shopping bags frantically bashed into each other, parents scooped children into their arms, and people knocked each other over, scurrying in whatever way they thought the exit was. Santa seized the moment and took off like a bullet.  
Spike cursed and brought himself to his feet. He spotted his gun nearby on the floor and dove for it, snatching it out from beneath trampling feet. There was another chorus of screams around him, and suddenly there was a big, open circle separating Spike from the crowd. He looked around, but the fat man was nowhere to be found. "Not losing out on twelve mil that easily..." he muttered. He scanned the area, and found a vantage point. It was so big, he was sure he could pick out everyone in the mall plaza from just halfway up it. By now, people seemed to forget what the commotion was all about, and Spike had to shove his way through them just to reach his target- the fifty foot tall Christmas tree.  
The bottom branches were thick and long, so he could probably scale them easily. He grabbed onto to a limb above him and hauled himself up, setting his feet on another branch nearby. He reached up higher, and repeated the process. After he had climbed a few levels, it seemed he was running out of branches, and the tree was leaning considerably.  
He looked down below. "Stupid, stupid Spike..." he mumbled to himself, as the behemoth plant swayed to one side. He yelped and braced for the fall as the thing tipped over, coming crashing down to the ground, sending shoppers fleeing. Ornate globes and lights smashed to the tile in a crystalline rain. Luckily, nobody was hurt- except Spike.  
"Ow..." he groaned, rubbing his knees and elbows as he picked himself off the ground. As he stood, out of the corner of his eye he saw one of the elves dart into a door along the wall, disappearing behind it. Spike immediately ran to it, pushing through the panicked masses. Flinging the door open, he followed a corridor until he reached another room. He carefully laid his hand on the knob, then whipped the doorway far back on its hinges, entering the room gun first.  
The hammer clicked as it pointed at the quivering red mass up against the wall.  
"Freeze," Spike commanded with a smug tone. Elves yelled and scattered, but Claus didn't move. Apparently, Spike had caught them in their locker room, for it seemed some of them had gathered their personals and were about to dash out. He walked calmly over to Claus, keeping his gun level all the while. Tears streamed down the man's cheeks.  
"Please don't kill me... I didn't do anything wrong... Please don't kill me..." he prayed under his breath.  
Spike chuckled. "I'm not going to kill you. If you die, I don't get your bounty." He then used his free hand to tear away the man's beard and cap. He studied his now clean face for a moment. "Wait-" he reached into his pocket, flipped on his videophone, and stared at the file photo he had saved on it. "You don't look like this guy!" he accused angrily, holstering his gun. "Must have been some bad information..."  
The man breathed a sigh of relief and slumped to the floor. "Thanks a lot, pal. Now I'll be lucky if I'm not fired."  
Spike lit up a cigarette. "What do I care?," he replied, his voice riddled with irritation. "If you hadn't ran in the first place, we wouldn't be in this mess."  
His eyes went wide. "Maybe if you hadn't turned a gun on me-"  
From nowhere, a clenched fist caught Spike across the cheek, sending his cigarette out of his lips and him to the ground.  
He looked up and saw the redheaded elf standing over him and fuming, her one eyebrow visibly twitching, her fists balled. "If that is all, you can go now!" she blurted out.  
Spike blinked in surprise.  
"And there is no smoking IN THIS MALL, SIR!" she screamed.  
Spike gazed at bewildered for a moment, speechless. He shrugged. "Yes, ma'am..." With that, he got up and left in a hurry. 


	2. Jolly Old Saint Nick

"Ed, don't tell me you actually want to talk to this guy!" Faye protested, rather loudly.  
Edward simply smiled and nodded erratically.  
"Alright, fine," she complied. "Just make it quick!"  
Ed clapped. "Yay, wishes for Ed!" she laughed.  
They both stood in an environment similar to the one Spike was in, only at a different mall. The teenager's costumes were different, the tree was smaller, and the throne was more flamboyantly decorated, but the most important person was still there. Faye was ready to bag an easy twelve million. After all, how hard could it be to catch a guy whose cover is a department store Santa?  
They reached the front of their line, and a young man ushered them both in.  
"Okay, Edward," she said sweetly. "Tell Santa Claus what you want for Christmas."  
Ed clapped again and bounded up onto his lap. She began rattling off a list, counting on her fingers and putting spasmodic comments in here and there.  
Faye grew bored of it very quickly. She stood arms akimbo, leaning most of her weight on her left leg, so that her left hip jutted out, and tapped her right foot impatiently. She blew a few renegade strands of hair out of her eyes, wondering just how long this would take her. If she knew Ed, it could be a long time. As she watched the girl go on and on, she began to notice that Claus was listening half-heartedly- his eyes were set on Faye. He stared her up and down, and a wicked smile crossed Faye's face. So he was that kind of guy... This, she could work with.  
Faye grabbed Ed by the shoulders and roughly yanked her off the man's lap.  
"Faye-Faye-!" she began to protest, but Faye clamped a hand over her mouth.  
"That's enough now, Edward. Let the poor man be."  
Claus grinned at her. "It's okay, Miss..."  
Faye daintily extended one hand towards him. "Valentine."  
He took her hand and kissed it, smiling ear to ear. "Miss Valentine. Is this your daughter?"  
"No, just a young friend of mine." She sighed. "I'm all alone..."  
The man gulped and made his move. "So, Miss Valentine-"  
"Call me Faye." She interjected.  
"Miss Faye. Anything... you want for Christmas?"  
She giggled, a laugh dripping with false sugar, and sat herself down on one of his thighs, crossing her legs over his lap. She then reached around his neck and leaned back, looking deep into his eyes. "Anything?"  
Claus stuttered for a moment. "S-sure... Anything you... anything you want!"  
Faye could her women complaining behind her, something about public indecency, but she really didn't care. "Close your eyes for a moment?"  
"Sure!" He did exactly what she asked, growing excited.  
"Open 'em." She commanded gruffly.  
Santa opened his eyes anxiously, only to find himself staring down the barrel of a Glock. "Holy shit!" he exclaimed, trying to jump. Faye spilled off his lap, but recovered quickly and kept her aim between his eyes the whole time.  
"This fraud has a twelve million bounty on his head!" she announced to the worry-stricken crowd around her. "Play it safe, and nobody'll get hurt!"  
They dispersed and allowed her to force the man into a backroom. Once there, Faye glowed over him, looking smug as ever. "Call the police, Ed," she instructed. "Let them we know we've got their guy."  
Ed tutted and shook her head. "Sorry, Miss Valentine!" he apologized.  
"Sorry? For what."  
"Ed can't do that for you!"she sang.  
"What?! Why not?"  
"Because you don't have their guy. You got the wrong Santa!"  
"...Are you kidding me?"  
"Nope!"  
"...You're sure?"  
"Yep yep!"  
Faye and Santa exchanged looks, and with that, she and Ed were on their way out. 


	3. In That New Old Fashioned Way

"You see?" Jet said angrily, though he wore a smirk. "See what happens when you don't listen to me? You two are lucky you didn't get arrested. Fools rush in, isn't that what I said?"  
"Cool it, Jet!" Spike said. "We made a mistake, alright?"  
"Yeah!" Faye whined. Jet's scolding sessions was on of the few times she agreed with Spike. "It's not like you were even doing anything. At least we tried."  
"Ha, that's where you're wrong. Where you two jumped on the first reports you had, I waited awhile to sort out lies from the truth, and now I've found the real guy."  
The other two bounty hunters exchanged greedy looks.  
"Since I'm such a nice guy, I may even split the bounty with you if you help me nab him."  
Faye nodded, becoming serious. "Alright, big guy, what's the deal?"  
"He's been mall-hopping all over Mars. Apparently, there's a certain class you have to pass to be a department store Santa, and he's not even legally qualified to do it. So far, every time he's mugged some other person for his outfit, and they always find the victim bound and gagged in the locker room."  
"Yeah? So? How's that help us?"  
"Man alive, would you wait a minute, Spike? As you probably already know, he's been using the Santa guise to make illegal credit transactions. He rigs the photo machine, so that every time somebody pays with credit, it drains their account. Furthermore, he's been saving the numbers of every card they swipe. As far as we know, he's acts alone, no accomplices."  
Spike whistled. "That's some serious buck. No wonder he's worth twelve million."  
"Exactly. Now, he seems to be going in some sort of pattern. He's been hitting every third mall along the Threntun highway, driving through each city."  
Faye rolled her eyes. "Idiot. Like no one would ever figure out that brilliant scheme. So have you figured out when he's gonna hit next."  
"Ed's working on it as we speak. She promises to have it done before tonight."  
Faye clapped. "We're set then! We've got this one in the bag!"  
Jet held up his hand. "Hey, not so fast. First, we need a plan. One of us is going to have to wait for him in line-"  
"Whoa, not me," Spike interposed. "No way am I waiting in that line again."  
Jet grinned. "You sure?"  
"...Yeah." Spike replied suspiciously.  
"Alright. We're set then. It'll go like this..." 


	4. And A Happy New Year

Author's Notes.... Uhm... I know Christmas is long gone, but I've been really lazy with my writing lately, and I felt I had to get this done- finish it and be over with it forever. So get in a time machine and go back to Dec. 24, 2003, and mebbe you'll still enjoy this... I'm really sorry... The ending is a little rushed.... Why did I even bother? Oh well. It's finished. It's off my chest. .  
  
Two days later, on Christmas Eve, Jet, Spike, Faye, and Ed were all ready and waiting for their man at Tharsis Mall, the biggest mall on Mars, the very same one where Spike first caused his commotion. There was a good chance this would be his last hit, and then he would fade away. It could be their last chance to catch him. Ed and Jet stood in the ungodly long line, with Faye positioned near the Santa's workshop scene, dressed in the same elf uniforms Spike had seen before.  
"Come on, Spike," she urged, knocking on the locker room door. "We have to hurry, or we'll miss the bounty!" When there was no answer, she pounded harder. "Spike! Let's get going already!" Still silence. "That fuzzy headed..." She grabbed the handle and barged in, announcing, "I'm coming in there!"  
In the room, Spike was standing still, staring into the full length mirror and looking rather depressed. Faye couldn't hold back her laughter for a second; she didn't even bother trying. Within seconds, she had fallen to her knees, convulsing in hysterics.  
Spike seemed dazed. "I look..."  
"Hilarious!" Faye provided. "Well, you insisted that you weren't going to stand in that line again..."  
He was dressed in the elf uniform, his long green hair only adding to the comedy by tufting out from beneath his pointed cap. His vest barely fit him, and the red stripes of the shirt beneath created a bizarre illusion on such a slender man. "For crying out loud, Faye!" he shouted, suddenly angry. "I'm wearing a skirt!"  
Faye giggled, brushing tears out of her eyes. "Well, it was either that or the men's hot shorts... but there were no guys outfits left. Besides, those tights are..." she sniggered "...very... becoming."  
He sighed and sunk to the floor. "No bounty is worth this..."  
"Oh, shut up, like anyone is going to recognize you. Now come on, you're going out there, even if I have to drag you with me by that mop on your head!"  
Meanwhile, Jet was waiting with Edward in line, looking for the man to make his move. The queue was positioned, fortunately enough, so that those in it could see both doors to the employee's rooms, the Santa's Workshop setup, and one of the mall's many exits. Jet felt good about this one- it was nearly time to collect his Christmas bonus.  
"But Jet..." Edward whined, tugging on his shirt.  
"Eh?"  
"Edward already talked to Santa!"  
Jet laughed quietly. "Naw, Ed, this isn't the real deal. He's a phoney, and we gotta catch him to get his bounty."  
"Ohh..." Ed said with a nod. "So he's the real bad guy!"  
"You got it."  
"And Jet?"  
"Yes?"  
"Why is Spike wearing a dress?" she asked, pointing towards the Christmas display.  
Jet burst out laughing when he saw his partner dressed as an elf. He and Faye were busy at work, assisting old man Kringle with the kids. Spike was crimson red from blushing, and Faye kept sneaking looks at him and snickering. Jet suddenly stopped his laughter as Faye caught his eye.  
"Hey..." he thought aloud. "She looks pretty good..."  
"Jet!" Edward scolded, pointing a finger at him. "We are not here to gawk at Faye-Faye," she said very properly, raising her nose, trying to look prim and proper.  
"Er- right. They should be changing shifts soon. If I timed it right, we'll almost be at the front of the line by then."  
Yards away, Faye escorted children back and forth with a plastic smile, while Spike passed out candy canes, making it quite obvious that he did not want to be doing this.  
"Come on, Spike, smile!" Faye urged aggressively.  
Spike shot her a poisonous look. "I'm here, and I'm in the outfit. You honestly think you can ask more from me?" He shoved his palm out, hostilely offering candy to a boy without so much as looking at him.  
Faye rolled her eyes. "Not for me, for the kids." She walked away, bringing the boy back to his mother.  
Spike shook his head. "Faye Valentine being nice to kids... This is definitely a weird season."  
Out of the corner of his real eye, Spike noticed the employee door swing open. He suddenly felt very relieved. Nobody will be laughing at him while he's kicking ass.  
"Your times up," he told the man in the chair. He thanked him and left as a new batch of elves made their way to their positions. One of them tapped Spike on the shoulder.  
"Beat it," he instructed, not even bothering to turn.  
"Huh?" a boy replied, dumbfounded.  
"I mean I've got it covered. You can take a longer break."  
"Oh..." the young man paused and thought for a moment. "Thanks, dude!" he said, deciding this was a good thing, and he left. Faye reacted likewise to her would-be replacement. Just as Jet had predicted, they were nearly up to go by now.  
Faye joined Spike in leaning against the armrests of Santa's seat as they waited for the Man in Red's arrival.  
"Almost time... I'd bet he's back there stealing a costume right now," she mused.  
"Think he's already got the camera credit system rigged?"  
"Doubt it. Then why we he even bother coming out here?"  
"Ah, right. So we wait for him to fiddle with the machine, then we act."  
Faye shrugged. "Sounds like a plan to me."  
"So what exactly are Ed and Jet supposed to be doing?"  
Faye turned to look him in the eye. "What?"  
"Why are they even here? Are they helping at all?"  
She blinked for a moment. "Say..." she replied slowly, but angrily. "You're right!"  
"Oh- oh, damn it!" He grabbed his cap and attempted to tug it down past his hair.  
"I know! That's not-"  
"Not that!" he interrupted. "That girl!" He pointed at an elf standing behind the camera.  
The Redhead.  
"So?" Faye snorted. "What about her?"  
Spike growled in frustration. "She was here last time- she was the- Oh..." he stopped himself in mid-sentence.  
"Her?" Faye asked with a laugh. "She gave you that bruise? Pathetic, Spike!"  
"Shut up!" he snapped. "The point is, she'll recognize me, and then we're screwed!"  
Too late. Their loud arguing had attracted her attention. She paced over to him, staring with wide, unbelieving eyes.  
"You?!"  
Spike grinned and laughed nervously. "Yo, Red..."  
The girl clasped a hand over her forehead. "What in the Hell are you doing here?!"  
"I just wanted to... you know, apologize, for, uh, everything I did last time."  
"He offered to some work for the mall to pay for the damages," Faye offered quickly.  
Spike nodded.  
The girl groaned and rubbed her temples. "Okay... Just... just don't do anything weird again..." She walked away mumbling to herself.  
"Saved your ass..." Faye muttered.  
"No time for thanks just yet." He pointed at the door behind them. "Here comes our head."  
She looked in the direction indicted, and sure enough, here he came. He was a tall, fat man; a build to look the part of Santa Claus. His gut hung out over the poorly worn belt, covered by a coat that looked to small for him. His looked sullen and groggy, as if he had just awoken with a hangover- which he very well might have. His fake beard sat on his chin awkwardly, and his small glasses stuck out strangely on his face.  
"Alright, let's get this over with." He shoved the red headed elf away from the camera. "Did you set the shutter speed the way I asked?"  
"Well..." she stared down at her shoes. "I- I mean I tried, but that particular model doesn't seem to-"  
"Idiot!" he shouted, and began working with the computer hooked up to the camera.  
Faye and Spike both looked back at Jet. He nodded and Ed flashed them a thumbs-up. They both rose and removed concealed weapons from inside their elf-coats, two pistols. While Kris Kringle was turned about, they both aimed level with his head as they strode closer to him. There was panic at the North Pole again. Santa didn't even look up from his work.  
Red began to shout. "You lying shi-"  
Spike pointed his gun to quiet her. "Stay out of it.. This time I know I've got the right guy."  
Still, she protested. "This is ridiculous! How dare you show up here with a gun again!"  
"Shut UP!" Spike barked. "Do you work this shift every day?"  
"I- What?"  
"Do you work this shift every day?" he demanded again.  
"Well... Yes!"  
"Have you ever seen this guy before? Do you think he's a good boss?"  
That shut her up. He turned his attention to the bounty head again. Surprisingly, he was still busy at work.  
"Hey, you!" Faye cried, kicking his shin.  
"Busy..." he mumbled, his eyes glazed over, monitor reflecting off his glasses.  
Faye fired a shot into the air. The plaza was almost cleared out by then. The mall security was anxious to move in- they were presumably calling the SWAT team. "Listen to me!" she commanded. Now she had his attention.  
"Who- God damn it!" he cursed, raising his hands. "Damned cowboys!"  
"That's right," Faye replied wickedly. "And now we've got you."  
His eyes shifted his left and right.  
"Don't try anything stupid," Spike warned.  
Santa paid no attention. He suddenly grabbed the camera tripod and swung it, knocking Faye, Spike, and the girl all over in one motion. As they struggled to get themselves upright, he took off. He didn't get far though, and flew face first into the dirty tile with a streak of curses after tripping over one of Jet's extended legs.  
"There arose such a clatter..." Jet smiled, laughing at his own joke.  
Seconds later, Spike had the barrel of his Jericho pressed up against the man's back. "That was very stupid," he chided. Faye sighed in relief, lighting up a smoke.  
"Ah, miss-"  
"Don't even start with me, Missy," Faye grumbled around a cigarette.  
  
Within a few hours, the crew had assembled themselves in the main room of the Bebop. Edward has spasmodically decorated everything in colors of red and green, with help from Jet, and even a little from Spike and Faye. With the money from the head, they had enough to cover charges from the mall, buy a decent dinner, restock some groceries, and even buy small gifts for each other. Jet had assembled one of his bonsai trees on the table, hung tinsel on it, and distributed the presents about the surface. Ein was trotting about the room, wearing a green elf cap, while Ed followed him around in a red one. Faye hummed carols to herself on the chair, flipping through a magazine, with Jet in the kitchen making dinner.  
Spike walked in the room, changed back into his normal clothes, flopped down on the couch. He grabbed a shopping catalogue off the floor, opened it, and draped it across his face, resting his arms behind his head and laying down. He exhaled contentedly.  
"And to all a good night..." 


End file.
